10 Things Your Adopted Child Wants You To Know
Adoptive Parenting Insights
Adopted kids often have unique experiences that can sometimes be misunderstood or overlooked by even the most loving parents. If you’re an adoptive parent, here are some things your child might wish you knew, and a few tips on how to better support them:
1. Identity Struggles:
Your child may be trying to figure out who they are and where they belong. This can be tough, especially if they feel caught between two worlds. You can help by encouraging open conversations about their background and celebrating both their story and your shared family identity. Consider activities that explore their heritage, like cooking cultural dishes or learning about their birthplace.
2. Feelings of Loss and Grief:
Adoption can come with feelings of loss, even when things are going well. Your child might feel conflicted about missing their birth family while loving you deeply. Let them know it’s okay to feel all kinds of emotions and that you’re there to listen whenever they’re ready to talk. A simple, “I’m here if you want to share how you’re feeling” can go a long way.
3. Curiosity About Birth Family:
Most adopted kids wonder about their birth parents at some point. Instead of avoiding the topic, be open to it. If they ask questions, answer them as honestly as you can or help them find age-appropriate ways to explore their roots. If it’s possible and healthy, consider involving them in ways to learn more, like through letters or supervised contact.
4. Transracial or Transcultural Challenges:
If your family looks different from your child, they may face challenges you’ve never experienced. Make an effort to learn about their culture and integrate it into your everyday life. This could mean celebrating cultural holidays, attending events, or connecting with community groups that share your child’s background. It shows them that you’re not just accepting but proud of where they come from.
5. Positive Adoption Language and Stigma:
Words matter. Using positive language like “birth parents” instead of “real parents” can make a big difference. Teach your child that being adopted is something to be proud of, not ashamed of. You can gently correct friends or family who use outdated or hurtful terms and talk openly about how adoption is just another way of building a family.
6. Feeling Different:
Your child might sometimes feel different from their peers or even within your family. Acknowledge these feelings when they come up and find ways to create a sense of belonging. Family traditions, one-on-one bonding time, or even shared hobbies can make them feel special and connected.
7. Attachment and Mental Health:
Early experiences can impact how a child attaches and trusts. If you notice signs of anxiety or difficulty forming bonds, consider looking into therapy with an adoption-experienced counselor. Be patient and make sure your child knows they’re loved unconditionally, even on hard days.
8. Open Communication:
Adopted kids do best when there’s room for honest conversations—no matter how tough they might be. Create an environment where your child knows they can ask questions and express feelings without judgment. Even if you don’t have all the answers, being willing to talk makes a huge difference.
9. Acceptance of Complex Emotions:
It’s easy to hope your child will feel only happiness about their adoption, but they may also feel sadness, anger, or confusion. Let them know that mixed emotions are normal and okay. Acknowledge their feelings and remind them that it’s okay to not always feel grateful or happy.
10. Prepping for Questions and Situations:
Your child will likely face questions from others that could be awkward or hard. Role-play different scenarios so they feel ready when someone asks, “Why don’t you look like your mom?” or “Where are you really from?” Teach them responses they’re comfortable with, or even humor if that suits their personality.
Adopted kids have unique perspectives, and learning more about what they might be experiencing helps create a stronger bond. It shows them that you’re not just their parent, but their ally through all the ups and downs.
